Can I tell you the hardest things
about living alone? Small talk and conversations. When I had someone around all
the time, I was engaged in constant small talk; little ideas that pop into my
head, small but funny moments throughout the day. They are not in themselves
important or significant, but they were tiny threads of a relationship that was
built over time. I learned how this other person thought and processed the
world from this vast expanse of data collected over small talk. And it’s a way
of opening up and connecting. “Hey I had this private thought that I treasured
and I could have taken it to my grave greedily, but I trust you enough and care
for your input and perspective, that I decided to share it with you.” These
small everyday moments are like tiny sparks that just keep adding up to….something
(I lost the metaphor that I was going after, so I just don’t know what those
sparks add up to. Something on fire I’m assuming).
But now that I live alone, there is
no sounding board. I sometimes talk to myself or the dog, but it’s not the same
as that interaction with another soul. My thought patterns have changed. I
stopped thinking, “I should remember to tell this to ____,” because there is no
one to tell. Yes, I can pick up the phone and call family and friends. But when
I normally would have just looked up from making dinner to say some small
thought (like “I saw a leaf shaped like a squirrel, and then I saw a
squirrel”), it doesn’t seem to merit a phone call.
Even if I did make that phone call
to share that random thought, I am now involved in a much longer conversation
than I was looking for. The thought was just to be shared, with maybe a
response of “huh,” or “funny,” and then back to that comfortable silence of
living life in a house with another person right there. Or I could make that
random though call and hang up, only to call again with the next random thought
(“then I saw a leaf shaped like Barrack Obama but this girl walking in front of
me stepped on it and it stuck to her shoe and I wanted to start humming “Hail
to the Chief””) but this would undoubtedly become annoying and disruptive to
others, as they are trying to tell the other soul that lives in their house
that they saw a man at a restaurant eating soup and now they’ve been wanting
soup all day.
With
a real life sounding board soul in the room, who can read my tone and facial
expressions and gestures that go along with such stray thoughts, the responses
vary from non-committal grunts to eye-rolling to talky-talky word using. Then
it’s a conversation! It’s connection. Lots of big-idea-life-stuff-conversations
are spurred from sharing these simple random comments (“Do we have pepper?”)
But now that I live alone, these
thoughts fizzle to nothing. I don’t ask if there is pepper, I just go look in
the spice drawer. It’s not interactive, not relational, just task completion (I
just did a thing robots can do). And my thoughts become robotic. I don’t think
in conversations, in questions, in relations. My default mode is task
completion (because I don’t have to ask anyone if they want chicken or beef
tonight, so I just do it). And if I am just talking to myself, not many of
these little thoughts are then spurred into those big-life-talks-ideas. And
even if they are, NOW WHAT?! I am alone.
Again, yes, I can pick up the phone
and now share this big deal with a friend, but now there is now of that
building up conversation, just MY BIG THOUGHTS AND FEELS with barely a hello.
And the other person can’t see that I’m standing in front of the stove making
stir-fry with a far away look (so I’m ok), or I’m on the bathroom floor staring
up at the ceiling in my underwear (usually not a good sign). Either way, here’s
a blast of a whole lot of me at 100 mph when they might still be at the squirrel-leaf
frame of mind because there was no build up to that conversation. And then do I
keep calling them every time I have these BIG IDEAS? It wouldn’t be happening
as much as the random thought calling, but it would be much more intensive in
energy to follow as respond (please the whole thing with picking up the phone
and pushing the buttons, so hard). It becomes habit to call expecting big
thoughts and high energy and that can be draining for both sides.
So
I don’t call, I hold off, muddle on the idea (maybe obsess), waiting until I see
them next. But most of the time, these thoughts are lost and forgotten before I
see again (if I even had a specific THEM in mind) so the thoughts are never
shared. My big thoughts and big ideas on life itself aren’t shared because
timing and proximity are such big deal in real life. These thoughts are never
shared, and a piece of me floats off into space, unclaimed.
The reverse side of that situation
is that I DO remember that big thought because I want to share it with
them soooo bad, that it’s all I think about until I see them next. But again, I
don’t want to lead with everything on full blast, because I’ve learned people
stop answering their phones because they are not ready for so much energy in a
conversation starter. So I try to start with the small talk, the warm ups. Only
I’ve forgotten how to do this thing! I’m a robot brain, remember?! So awkward
stumbling ensues. I’m trying to stage and recreate the precursor conversation
that would have happened at home(if only the dog spoke English). But even the
most graceful conversationalist would find it tricky to lead the conversation
in an “organic” way to open the door for this BIG IDEA to be shared, and since
I’m not that thing, I get no where fast. All the while that BIG IDEA is in my
brain and blaring into my conscious thoughts like gaudy casino lights, which is
very distracting. So my awkward conversation skills are punctuated by awkward
pauses as I try to push this THING away so I can speak those normal words that
people say (all while trying to PUSH the conversation to that THING).
And I’ve thought the same thought
that you are thinking, “Why all the pretense? Just be brave and say what you
want to say (Thank you Sarah Bareilles).” But think about that. Imagine if you
had a friend that started most conversations with BIG THINGS as soon as they
see you. Before you say, “I would welcome that conversation,” please also
imagine these conversations are happening before your coffee kicks in, or while
you are just trying to get in and out of the grocery ASAP, or “for the love of
God I just wanted to sit in quiet at lunch and read/stream/play Candy Crush on
my phone.” I get it. I would want those things too if I knew I was going home
to small talk and little thoughts that lead into big thoughts, so “I’ve already
had my share of BIG THINGS, thank you very much.”
It sounds all brave and real and
Top 40’s chart to just spew it all out there. But think of what that would
really look like, what that would mean if you were on the receiving end of someone’s
zero to Warp 9 BIG STUFF talk. And imagine they were coming to you often because
you were kind enough (maybe even willing and excited if they caught you in a
good mood) to listen the first time. But after while, it would be too much for
a relationship, because there would be foundation of all that small stuff that
supports and strings BIG STUFF moments together. It becomes an exhausting
ordeal, for both sides.
And I understand that, from both
sides of that situation. So sharing becomes such an ordeal to get to (out of
practice small talk, pretense, manipulative conversation steering, anxiety of
finally just getting to it already!) that it seems not worth it sometimes. And
I hold on to less of those big thoughts to share, and only a small amount of
them are shared. Poof! More of my existence on earth evaporates into the
atmosphere without bumping into a single soul . Relating and conversations
become harder, so they become shallow. Sharing only comes when there are convenient
platforms, but even then I hesitate on how much to really share. Even when I do
find those friends I can see daily or weekly (those I feel comfortable with
sharing all those THOUGHTS), there is always that little voice in the back
thinking, “Is this too much? Maybe this conversation should just be light,
fluffy stuff. I’ll be funny for the next four conversations because that last
one was a little heavy and we don’t want to tip the scales too seriously.”
Why are there even conversation
scales in my head?! And why does one “heavy” conversation weigh the same as
four “light” ones, besides the figuratively weighty words (so many puns). Why
do I feel like I have to make up for a conversation because I had big feels to
feel out loud? And I hear a part of my brain saying, “You shouldn’t have to,”
and “That’s a ridiculous notion.” But darn it Sarah, it’s just not that easy to
always tell people those BIG FEELS! I know I have this notion because, in my
less than graceful state, I would describe a person like this a drag, needy,
too much, over emotional, too serious, depressed (though now I know what that
word really means and it might not necessarily apply to this person, it still
can be a hurtful term to use against someone), depressing, disturbed, and
exhausting.
We say we want to be open and
truthful and take off these masks, but the responsibility on the receiving end
can be harder to accept. We can’t say what we want to say until we’re ready to
hear what someone else wants to say. If I can’t practice the grace of receiving
someone else’s words, when I so desperately want a life where all the masks
come off, how could I trust anyone to listen to my words, or even deserve to
say them? I need to have the time and gentleness to listen to others if I ‘m
ever going to dare to speak out and take off this mask. There is a two fold
responsibility there, and one can’t happen without the other.
So there is what is so hard about
living alone….ie starting a random thought and ending with BIG DEAL LIFE
conclusions, but not having someone right there to hear it. But I got it down
on paper this time, and it was so helpful. And everything that was dark and
scary about all of that seems not so bad right now. And I think if I share this
out, it would shine that healing light that much more.
