BIG THOUGHTS

Can I tell you the hardest things about living alone? Small talk and conversations. When I had someone around all the time, I was engaged in constant small talk; little ideas that pop into my head, small but funny moments throughout the day. They are not in themselves important or significant, but they were tiny threads of a relationship that was built over time. I learned how this other person thought and processed the world from this vast expanse of data collected over small talk. And it’s a way of opening up and connecting. “Hey I had this private thought that I treasured and I could have taken it to my grave greedily, but I trust you enough and care for your input and perspective, that I decided to share it with you.” These small everyday moments are like tiny sparks that just keep adding up to….something (I lost the metaphor that I was going after, so I just don’t know what those sparks add up to. Something on fire I’m assuming).

But now that I live alone, there is no sounding board. I sometimes talk to myself or the dog, but it’s not the same as that interaction with another soul. My thought patterns have changed. I stopped thinking, “I should remember to tell this to ____,” because there is no one to tell. Yes, I can pick up the phone and call family and friends. But when I normally would have just looked up from making dinner to say some small thought (like “I saw a leaf shaped like a squirrel, and then I saw a squirrel”), it doesn’t seem to merit a phone call.

Even if I did make that phone call to share that random thought, I am now involved in a much longer conversation than I was looking for. The thought was just to be shared, with maybe a response of “huh,” or “funny,” and then back to that comfortable silence of living life in a house with another person right there. Or I could make that random though call and hang up, only to call again with the next random thought (“then I saw a leaf shaped like Barrack Obama but this girl walking in front of me stepped on it and it stuck to her shoe and I wanted to start humming “Hail to the Chief””) but this would undoubtedly become annoying and disruptive to others, as they are trying to tell the other soul that lives in their house that they saw a man at a restaurant eating soup and now they’ve been wanting soup all day.

            With a real life sounding board soul in the room, who can read my tone and facial expressions and gestures that go along with such stray thoughts, the responses vary from non-committal grunts to eye-rolling to talky-talky word using. Then it’s a conversation! It’s connection. Lots of big-idea-life-stuff-conversations are spurred from sharing these simple random comments (“Do we have pepper?”)

But now that I live alone, these thoughts fizzle to nothing. I don’t ask if there is pepper, I just go look in the spice drawer. It’s not interactive, not relational, just task completion (I just did a thing robots can do). And my thoughts become robotic. I don’t think in conversations, in questions, in relations. My default mode is task completion (because I don’t have to ask anyone if they want chicken or beef tonight, so I just do it). And if I am just talking to myself, not many of these little thoughts are then spurred into those big-life-talks-ideas. And even if they are, NOW WHAT?! I am alone.

Again, yes, I can pick up the phone and now share this big deal with a friend, but now there is now of that building up conversation, just MY BIG THOUGHTS AND FEELS with barely a hello. And the other person can’t see that I’m standing in front of the stove making stir-fry with a far away look (so I’m ok), or I’m on the bathroom floor staring up at the ceiling in my underwear (usually not a good sign). Either way, here’s a blast of a whole lot of me at 100 mph when they might still be at the squirrel-leaf frame of mind because there was no build up to that conversation. And then do I keep calling them every time I have these BIG IDEAS? It wouldn’t be happening as much as the random thought calling, but it would be much more intensive in energy to follow as respond (please the whole thing with picking up the phone and pushing the buttons, so hard). It becomes habit to call expecting big thoughts and high energy and that can be draining for both sides.

            So I don’t call, I hold off, muddle on the idea (maybe obsess), waiting until I see them next. But most of the time, these thoughts are lost and forgotten before I see again (if I even had a specific THEM in mind) so the thoughts are never shared. My big thoughts and big ideas on life itself aren’t shared because timing and proximity are such big deal in real life. These thoughts are never shared, and a piece of me floats off into space, unclaimed.

The reverse side of that situation is that I DO remember that big thought because I want to share it with them soooo bad, that it’s all I think about until I see them next. But again, I don’t want to lead with everything on full blast, because I’ve learned people stop answering their phones because they are not ready for so much energy in a conversation starter. So I try to start with the small talk, the warm ups. Only I’ve forgotten how to do this thing! I’m a robot brain, remember?! So awkward stumbling ensues. I’m trying to stage and recreate the precursor conversation that would have happened at home(if only the dog spoke English). But even the most graceful conversationalist would find it tricky to lead the conversation in an “organic” way to open the door for this BIG IDEA to be shared, and since I’m not that thing, I get no where fast. All the while that BIG IDEA is in my brain and blaring into my conscious thoughts like gaudy casino lights, which is very distracting. So my awkward conversation skills are punctuated by awkward pauses as I try to push this THING away so I can speak those normal words that people say (all while trying to PUSH the conversation to that THING).

And I’ve thought the same thought that you are thinking, “Why all the pretense? Just be brave and say what you want to say (Thank you Sarah Bareilles).” But think about that. Imagine if you had a friend that started most conversations with BIG THINGS as soon as they see you. Before you say, “I would welcome that conversation,” please also imagine these conversations are happening before your coffee kicks in, or while you are just trying to get in and out of the grocery ASAP, or “for the love of God I just wanted to sit in quiet at lunch and read/stream/play Candy Crush on my phone.” I get it. I would want those things too if I knew I was going home to small talk and little thoughts that lead into big thoughts, so “I’ve already had my share of BIG THINGS, thank you very much.”

It sounds all brave and real and Top 40’s chart to just spew it all out there. But think of what that would really look like, what that would mean if you were on the receiving end of someone’s zero to Warp 9 BIG STUFF talk. And imagine they were coming to you often because you were kind enough (maybe even willing and excited if they caught you in a good mood) to listen the first time. But after while, it would be too much for a relationship, because there would be foundation of all that small stuff that supports and strings BIG STUFF moments together. It becomes an exhausting ordeal, for both sides.

And I understand that, from both sides of that situation. So sharing becomes such an ordeal to get to (out of practice small talk, pretense, manipulative conversation steering, anxiety of finally just getting to it already!) that it seems not worth it sometimes. And I hold on to less of those big thoughts to share, and only a small amount of them are shared. Poof! More of my existence on earth evaporates into the atmosphere without bumping into a single soul . Relating and conversations become harder, so they become shallow. Sharing only comes when there are convenient platforms, but even then I hesitate on how much to really share. Even when I do find those friends I can see daily or weekly (those I feel comfortable with sharing all those THOUGHTS), there is always that little voice in the back thinking, “Is this too much? Maybe this conversation should just be light, fluffy stuff. I’ll be funny for the next four conversations because that last one was a little heavy and we don’t want to tip the scales too seriously.”

Why are there even conversation scales in my head?! And why does one “heavy” conversation weigh the same as four “light” ones, besides the figuratively weighty words (so many puns). Why do I feel like I have to make up for a conversation because I had big feels to feel out loud? And I hear a part of my brain saying, “You shouldn’t have to,” and “That’s a ridiculous notion.” But darn it Sarah, it’s just not that easy to always tell people those BIG FEELS! I know I have this notion because, in my less than graceful state, I would describe a person like this a drag, needy, too much, over emotional, too serious, depressed (though now I know what that word really means and it might not necessarily apply to this person, it still can be a hurtful term to use against someone), depressing, disturbed, and exhausting.

We say we want to be open and truthful and take off these masks, but the responsibility on the receiving end can be harder to accept. We can’t say what we want to say until we’re ready to hear what someone else wants to say. If I can’t practice the grace of receiving someone else’s words, when I so desperately want a life where all the masks come off, how could I trust anyone to listen to my words, or even deserve to say them? I need to have the time and gentleness to listen to others if I ‘m ever going to dare to speak out and take off this mask. There is a two fold responsibility there, and one can’t happen without the other.

So there is what is so hard about living alone….ie starting a random thought and ending with BIG DEAL LIFE conclusions, but not having someone right there to hear it. But I got it down on paper this time, and it was so helpful. And everything that was dark and scary about all of that seems not so bad right now. And I think if I share this out, it would shine that healing light that much more.